She's Somebody's Hero: A Rizzles Recap

Thank you season 2 premiere for showing us that no matter how many dudes you throw at these ladies, you can't kill the subtext...

*This is not the phallus-shaped object we want to see on the show:

*Yes, this face truly expresses how "terrible" Maura thinks Jane looks...

(And here I was all worried about disapproving of Sasha's post-baby face... She's still slammin' in her first episode back. 90% of the time...)

Maura: You're making everyone late.

Just like an old married couple...
Jane: Even you'd look bad if a bullet'd gone through you.

Maura: Laceration to your peritoneum and small bowel could explain your jaundice color.
Hey now. There ain't nothing wrong with a little jaundice coloring... Don't be racist.
Jane: You may not casually discuss my privates.

Yeah, boweltalk does often kill the sexy...

Jane: Mind. Business.

Maura: You are my business.

Maura: When was your last bowel movement?

Jane's Face: Too soon! Too soon! (If you get that reference, you watch too much TV and you're awesome)

Maura: Put this on!

Jane: It makes me look like a man.
C'mon, Jane. Indulge the girl. She likes to roleplay a little...
Maura: We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Me: Good Lord, please do it the hard way.

Feel free to move that hand up a bit, hon...

Maura puts a smile on my face too, Jane

Maura: The hard way.

I'm pissed that they clearly cut the scene where Maura wrestles Jane's clothes off and they have fantastic sex on the couch and/or floor.

*Yeah, I like her post-baby boobs too...

Awww, Maura is so proud of her lady.

*Okay, really, what the hell is this? Maura Isles would never do this. Seriously? Tacky. Yeah, blah, blah, the enzymes in saliva break down the... No, this is unacceptable.

And I'm not going to say anything inappropriate about her licking her finger to rub Jane's spot... ...

*Oh no, is Jane off to flirt with Casey?

Apparently not...

Even Casey gets the hint that he's not needed here...

Side Note: How tall is this Abby chick?!

Oh no, is Jane actually flirting with Casey this time?

Apparently she's too distracted by something that's offensive to everyone's eyes...

Jane: We are feeling fine, but we can't speak for everyone.

Precious. Jane is already using "we" to describe her and Maura.

Jane: All the single guys in Boston and you gotta date Ucky Sluckey. It's unethical, Maura.

Yeah, I don't like cheaters either, Jane. But you were over there making eyes at Abby (and supposedly making eyes at Casey too).

Jane: I nearly lost my virginity to him.

Yes, please let me go on with the illusion that you have never been touched by a man.

Maura: Byron is much better when he's not talking.

Who does that remind me of...

(Okay, that's less what I think and more what many other people think... Not that I don't occasionally want to say to Angie, "No more words; just emotion.")

What Maura Says in a Nutshell: He's a very tender lover. (If you get that reference, you watch too much TV and you're awesome)

[Insert Global "Ewwww!"]

Jane: It's like thinking about my parents having sex... (No, Jane. This is far more offensive.)

Jane: Please, go have tender sex with Byron, and I'm going home.
Maura: Not so fast.

What she said: You know, you do need to boost your immune system and sex is very good for that.
What she meant: Let me ditch Byron and I'll be at your place in fifteen.

Yeah, Jane in her uniform does it for me too...

*If you're actually paying attention to the plot, Abby gets blown up...
Maura: I got this.
Me: Yeah, ya do.

*Jane can't get into the building because of the new security.
Jane: There's my badge.

Me: You can show me your badge all day, every day. Or, you know, "Next time I should say 'b' as in 'boy' instead of 'b' as in 'bagina'..."
(She really should've pulled a Lexie Grey and sprinted past him...)

Maura: What are you doing here?
Jane: I'm trying to figure out who killed Abby Sherman.

Jane, you don't need to use that tone just because you're pissed that Byron is here with Maura. You made Maura's face sad!

a. Most awkward thing I've ever seen

b. Like Jane, I really want to punch him in the face.

Jane: This is who I am. This is what I do. Now get me in there. (That's what she said...)

What she said: I'm only doing this because I'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself.

What she meant: I'm only doing this because I'm hoping you'll pay me back in the way only you can...

Maura: Detective Rizzoli is with me.

That's what we've been saying!!!

Maura: Downstairs only. (Well, if you insist...)

Maura: I will poke you in your scar tissue if you even touch the 'up' arrow. (And 'scar tissue' is a euphemism for what?)

"Where I come from elevators tend to be this kind of aphrodisiac... People get on them and they just get all horny." (If only...)

Maura: That's a sign of sexual frustration. (Well, honey, it's your fault since you've been off tenderlovin' on Byron.)

Maura: Rip Van Winkle!

Jane's Face and Me: Really, writers? (If I were last season Maura, I would totally call BS on this crappy analogy...)

What she said: And wait till you see my office; the decorator just finished.

What she meant: And wait till you see my office with all the new furniture we can break in.

*Maura: I just wish I knew what was causing that pain.
Jane: Again, I'm going with the .40 caliber bullet.

Maura's Face: I'm going with you miss our sexytimes.

Jane: What do you do when fear is killing you?

Maura: Well, it's very hard to die from fear unless you have a congenital heart condition.
(Ummm, I remember you saying something completely different in "Sympathy for the Devil," honey.)

Maura: What can I do?

Jane: Get me upstairs.
Really, Jane? Shouldn't there be more murder solving and less upstairstime? Who am I kidding... There's always time for boob fondling.

Jane: I can be girly.

Casey's Face: Really?
Seriously, the only people who don't realize that Jane is butch are Jane and Maura. Just like how they are the only people who don't realize how gay they are...

Casey: You're a soft-shelled crab or something.
Me: What are two things I'd like to eat?

*You should be ashamed, Jane! We do not sleep with boys!

But praise Buddha they didn't actually have sex...

Whoa. So not only is Tommy the baby now, but he’s still in prison?

Side Rant: Are we supposed to forget all our preconceived notions of the kid? Although, really, him being the eldest child... Being drunk is cuter and more forgivable if you’re in your early to mid twenties than when you are a creepy man in your late thirties to early forties... And Lorraine Bracco being the parent to someone older than Angie? Totally not believable.

So, Angela is moving in with Maura...
Jane: Are you a masochist?

Well, you, if anyone, would know, wouldn't you? Oh, you don't mean it like that... My bad.

Maura: You had sex!

Maura clearly needs a refresher on what Jane looks like post-sex...
Jane: It's really none of your business (then whose business is it...?), but feel free to chat about it with my mother at your slumber parties.

Maura: I never got much sleep at slumber parties.

Really now... ;)

Jane: I hated confession.
Maura: Did you have a lot to confess to?

Jane: I made stuff up. Because if you confess to sins that you're not sorry for, then that's a sin.
Oh, we all know which sins you aren't sorry for...

Maura adorably and excitedly talking about the badass that is Jane Rizzoli:

Byron: You're merely a pathologist and she had expert care from a renowned trauma surgeon.

What she said: Are you talking about yourself in the third person?
What she meant: Are you a giant douchebag?
Answer to both: Indeed.

What she said: Thank you for reminding me why I don't date surgeons.
What she meant: Thank you for reminding me why I don't date men.

Don't mind Maura, Jane. She's just creepin' on you.

I am way pregnant from this eyesex...

Maura: Um, can I just... Any pain?

Obviously Maura's magic hands (wherever they may be on Jane's body...) are doing their thing and Jane is feeling no pain.