Saturday, July 30, 2011

Boys On The Side

(Anyone see that movie? Boys on the Side? Whoopi is a lesbian and Mary Louise Parker has The HIV?)
Mary Louise does not look like this in it (for obvious reasons):
but she does the most chilling performance of Roy Orbison's "You Got It."

Anywho, my Gay Husband and Gay Boyfriend recently compiled their lists of female celebrity crushes. So, I thought I'd post some of my male celebrity crushes because I often find myself thinking, "I don't have enough penis in my life..." (Actually I never think that)

Christian Bale
As a Mormon, I gotta love him for Newsies (Seriously, what is it with Mormons and this movie?) As a person with eyes--him as Batman makes me question my sexuality. And The Prestige and Equilibrium are two of my favorite movies.

Hugh Jackman
Speaking of attractive men in The Prestige... Not gonna lie, amidst all the pretty ladies that are on my wall, this very beautiful man is up there with them.
Why is Hugh Jackman so frantastic? The man can pull off playing Wolverine in the X-Men movies and Peter Allen in The Boy From Oz.
And then there was this awesome moment at the Tony's:

Neil Patrick Harris
Every interview I watch of his simply makes me love him more and more.  
I mean, really: 
And him and David are so cute together!
Speaking of gay men I love... 

Sean Hayes
Two Words: Jack McFarland.

Matt Long
Did anyone watch Jack & Bobby? Or was that just my mom and me... Matt Long is the guy my mom would leave my dad for. She watched Ghost Rider, The Deep End, and Sydney White just to look at him. And I don't blame her because he is quite attractive.
And I did love him in Jack & Bobby.

Mason Jennings
Just for his music, I would marry this man.
This isn't my favorite Mason song, but my friend Cat Solen directed the video and I like it.

Anthony Bourdain
He's dirty in so many different ways. He has done just about every drug there is. He mercilessly mocks Bobby Flay and Rachael Ray. And that's why I love him.
Me: I would let him to do terrible, terrible things to me.
Bestie: It would be horrifying... and amazing.
Although he doesn't do it as much for me anymore since he quit chain smoking because he had a daughter. Lame.  Although he did score points for writing in the new McSweeney's publication, Lucky Peach.

Mark Kanemura
Everything about his dancing is love.

I would become a gay man for him. 

Andre Ethier
30-game hitting streak for the Dodgers this season...  'Nuff said.

David Villa
Spain has been my World Cup team since before I was born. During the 2006 World Cup, I made a paper doll of David Villa. In 2010, I went to Spain before the World Cup because of my love of La Liga (okay, not just because of that...). And yes, there was a lot of screaming happening when Spain won their first World Cup title.
And I'm currently watching the Man U-Barcelona match for dearest David because he is one of the most talented strikers out there.

Raine Maida
Despite the fact that he's a dude and he's married (which are my two big 'no's), I would run away with Raine and have his babies. Well, more of his babies.
Like Mason, my love for him is mostly because of his music. But he's also not an uggo.
And I picked this song because Kate Moennig (Shane from The L Word) is in it.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Rizzoli & Isles and the Seamen

First off, make sure to watch Sasha on Jimmy Kimmel tonight!

*It's Fleet Week in Boston!
Which only means four things: "Punching out some scumsuckers, and getting drunk, and peeing out the window! Then seducing women! Lots of women!" (Name that TV show #1)
Unfortunately, this girl is about to get raped and killed (in case you forgot that there is supposed to be crime solving happening on this show...)
*Angela: Poor boys! They need a little fun--it's Fleet Week!
Well, Angela, you are divorcing your husband...
Jane: Poor boys' need to learn how to hold their alcohol.
God, I can't wait for these guys to be gone in three days.
Really, all they do is crowd your favorite bar and hit on your girl... Pass.
Or even worse...
your girlfriend is way into seeing all the seamen flooding the streets of Boston...
Jane: Move along, move along. She's too young for you. Goodbye.
If I were her, I would've just pistol-whipped that guy...

Angela: I really want to thank you for taking me to brunch. I know you have better things to do on a Sunday morning.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Angela... Way to ruin Sunday morning breakfast in bed and "breakfast in bed." (But really... Jane and Maura going to brunch with the mom? How I Met Your Mother established that brunching is an activity for couples...)

The car breaks down and the sailors are more than happy to help out.
Sailor: It's okay, ma'am, we can push.
Ma'am? They aren't exactly wearing mom jeans...

As much as I think you gotta milk the perks of being two hot ladies together, Maura needs to keep it in her pants.
Well, she doesn't need to keep it in her pants with everybody...
And we meet another irrelevant loser from Jane's past...
Seriously, Maura?! That is neither Jane's ass nor boobs that you're looking at right now! Disapprove.
Someone's lookin' though...
Grease Monkey: You look hot as ever.
Angela: Doesn't she?
Maura: *nods in agreement*

Grease Monkey approaches Jane and Jane does the appropriate thing...
Unlike Maura...
Maura: You can call me Maura. I don't mind a little grease.
Obviously Jane disapproves of that and would rather take her chances with Grease Monkey than watch Maura flirt shamelessly with him.
Luckily, before Maura jumps Grease Monkey's bones right then and there, their phones ring.
Seriously, I have never been so happy over a callout in my life... And my dad has gotten us paged out of some truly terrible family and church events...

As the team is stranded at the garage, Grease Monkey lends them Julieta.
Seriously, Maura needs to start being this excited about being inside some other women in that garage...
Jane's Face: WTF

*Jane: Stay away from Grease Monkey.
Maura: No. ... Oh, this is a 'dibs' thing!
Um, yeah... Jane clearly called dibs on you way before Grease Monkey.
Jane: Tell me what you have in common with him. He's a blue collar, Boston-Italian auto mechanic.
Maura: Well, so are you.
Jane: Yes, but I'm interesting. And you don't want to sleep with me.
I'm gonna just skip the next part of this conversation with that look because a. It says it all and b. I don't want to repeat what they said after that look because I don't want anyone to think I condone their lies.
Maura: That's all I wanna do with Grease Monkey.
Yeah, if I were Jane, I would just jump out of the car at that too, even if it had been in motion.
(I'm the first to defend Maura as being more of a sexual being and whatnot, especially in comparison to Jane; however, I refuse to believe she's this indiscriminate.)

*The team checks out the victim's body, which happens to be in the alley outside of the Dirty Robber. (Jane and Korsak shouldn't be pissed with the seamen infiltrating their bar; they should be pissed that the show is cheap and just wants to reuse the sets they have...)
Maura and Korsak mimic the "iconic sailor back from abroad kiss."
Which she clearly did with Korsak instead of Jane to be all passive-aggressive about Jane having box-blocked her with Grease Monkey earlier.
Maura goes off to the bathroom with Jane watching her, knowing that she'll be joining her in there in a few minutes...

*Back at the station...
Grease Monkey pops by with some chocolate and carnations.
Jane: I have a boyfriend. Yes, I do. It's very serious.
Well, she obviously couldn't tell the truth and said 'girlfriend' instead of 'boyfriend'... We can all guess how gossipy his mother is.

But he's actually there to see Maura.
Maura's Face: Who's here?
Maura's Face: Oh, dammit. (Okay, that may not have been how it really played out exactly...)

What he said: How'd you get stuck with all this old stuff?
What he meant: Why are there naked babies wrestling in the corner?
Maura: I'm the one that owes you.
We do not say that to boys, Maura! Especially not with that pants-dropping smile!

Grease Monkey: You like Italian?
Maura: I love Italians.
Girl does have a type...
Maura, correcting herself: Italian.
Thank you for finally clarifying that you're in a committed relationship and only love one Italian...

Grease Monkey: Let me take you to dinner.
Maura: It would be faster if you come to my house.
Have you ever thrown up a little and been kinda turned on at the exact same time?

*Some sailors send drinks over to Jane and Maura.
The ladies are clearly not interested for a couple reasons...
Bartender: I'll use the next one to water the plants.
What she said: No, I don't like to be rude.
What she meant: A free drink is a free drink.
(Personally, I would never accept a free drink from some dudes with my girlfriend... ...)

Jane: Why'd you say you'd have dinner with GM?
Maura: ...He's giving your mom a great deal on her car repair.
Jane: Well, in that case, play with him all you like.
"Play with him all you like"? A dinner is acceptable, but beyond that... Sounds a little whore-y to me. Or I guess it could mean that "she just has other skills she uses to make her way in the world" and I guess you gotta "use what you've got!" (Name that TV show #2)

*In other news, another girl is raped and is in bad shape in the hospital.
I guess that, yeah, I wouldn't care how badly my brain was bleeding either...
...I would will my ass awake to see those particular faces peering at me whilst I'm in bed.

*R&I's very own Damn You AutoCorrect from Angela: Homey, I need a boner.
Umm, nobody on this show needs one of those...

*Maura: You and Frost are site-specific friends.
Jane: Would we be dating if we didn't work together?
Maura: We would never see each other if we didn't work together.
Jane: So, that's a no... (I guess Jane wanted a more romantic answer about how fate would have brought them together or some other crap like that.)
Maura: Well, that's a flawed syllogism. (And she gives another example of a invalid syllogism that Jane clearly doesn't follow, but I'm sure Maura will draw her a simple Venn diagram to show her how it's flawed later...)

*The second victim dies and Jane is pissed... the most flawlessly gorgey way possible.

*Meanwhile, Grease Monkey is over at Maura's.
Maura offers Grease Monkey some wine.
GM: You got any beer?
Maura: Yes! (Of course she now keeps beer around for her girl. But I'm sure Jane'll be pissed that GM is drinking all her beers.)
Horrifying things happened
(Kids, never sit alone on a couch with a creeper guy... or a creeper lady [creeping knows no gender]... unless you want them to try and "lick your face.")
Maura: I'm sorry, I feel a little nauseated. (You aren't the only one, hon)
GM: Don't barf on me; this is a new shirt.
GM: I'm sorry. I bet even your barf is cute too.
Honey, if you don't throw up on him, then I will.
*And, of course, what does Maura do after the date fail? Not to shower off the creepiness, but she goes to see Jane.
Jane: Did GM notice anything other than your cleavage?
Just because that's all you notice half the time...
Dear Jane, Mount her on that desk right now!
*What she said: I like your bear.
What she meant: I like you bare.
Maura: He says he's waiting on "special parts" for your mother's car.
Maura: What if means my parts? (If she didn't say it, I would've...)
Jane says she has a plan to get GM off Maura's back (and front), for which Maura is very grateful. I'm hoping actual kissing sans bear, but whilst bare will happen later...
And I'm hoping Jane won't wipe off Maura's actual kisses...

Jane's plan of showing GM what Maura does for a living is a total flop.
Shoot, I would probably watch Maura club a baby seal and still want to do her. And, really, watching an autopsy would be awesome.

Maura: Is he gone?
Jane: Not really.
(Have we learned our lesson yet this season, Maura? No more dudes!)
Jane: He's kind of like a bedbug.
Maura: Hard to eradicate.
Jane: Yes!
(Well, to be fair, you did invite this bug into your bed, hon... Or at least really damn close.)

And the couple shares lunch...
...before they go off to rid themselves of GM for good.

Maura: I think that we should just tell him. Don't you, babe?
Jane: Yes. Yes, I do... babe. Tell him.
Maura: I really, truly enjoyed your company, but Jane and I... we're, um, uh...
Jane: Best friends.
Me: And now they kiss?
Jane: Like more than BFF's... We're... We're LLBFF's.
Maura: Exactly. We're Ell Biffs.
Me: And now they kiss?
Jane: Yes, we are LifeLong Best Friends Forever.
GM: Are you two batting for the other team?
Jane: We are.
GM: I always wanted to try it with two girls.
Maura: Well that's really nice! (Someone's very enthusiastic about that idea...)
GM: If you change your mind...
Jane: We'll let you know.

So, who was the serial rapist/murderer? I always like to leave some surprise for you in case you haven't seen the episode... ... That or I'm too lazy to screencap the whole episode...

And I'll leave you with my personal favorite screencap:
Maura's Face: Is that your gun, detective, or are you just happy to see me?